Op Editorial Story:
Closing the gate on the upper level of Eastview High School is definitely not a good idea. The administrators had thought that maybe something like this would be a little better of an idea though because of less traffic, getting to school on time and less accidents in the parking lot. It’s the exact opposite. Closing the gate on the upper level has caused more traffic, and has affected kid’s tardiness than ever before. I had talked to my first hour teacher about the uprise of the tardiness and she had said that it had at least gone up by twice as much people late, especially in the winter with the gate being closed. thought it was a problem in the first place because there has never been lots of traffic and no one ever seemed to have a problem with the gate being open before. The first time they tried it out, it didn’t go out right and more kids had been late the first day and none of the students thought it was a good idea. Why did they keep it going?
The upper level gate has caused a big impact in teenager’s daily driving routines. The time it takes to wait in the long line that forms and wait at the light is twice as long as it would take to just go through the gate and down to the parking lot. The traffic that builds up has been a lot worse than before, especially with the people who are trying to get to other destinations besides the school.The build-up with the traffic of the gate being closed has caused more slight accidents because of people eager to pass the people waiting in the long lines. I have witnessed more accidents getting out of school at the end of the day than I have before, and morning lines have been twice as long. It's ridiculous. The lines have increased. Most drivers are very eager to get to their destination and don’t like waiting, especially if they are late to wherever they are going.
Peer Edits:
Edit #1
1. Is there a clear point of view? (position)
Yes, there is a clear point of view on how they should have healthier lunches at the school cafeteria, and how there is healthy lunches but they are not as appetizing as they could be.
2. Does the Op-Ed state the problem and solution simply?
Yes, the problem is the food in the cafeteria, and the solution is put healthier fresher fruit and vegetables and less junk food.
3. Does the piece address the counter arguments?
Yes, it could do a little more but it's still fine.
4. Is the Op-Ed interesting?
I thought it was interesting and I agree with it completely.
5. Are the paragraphs organized logically?
Yes.
6. Does each paragraph develop an idea to support the thesis?
Yes, they do a good job showing the idea and it supports the thesis.
7. Is the writing clear?
Yes, it is because it explains exactly how she feels bout it.
Edit #2:
1. Is there a clear point of view? (position)
yes, they are concerned about how safe cars are around them.
2. Does the Op-Ed state the problem and solution simply?
yes, the problem is people don't take enough care of their cars, and something bad could happen while driving no matter how safe you, yourself is driving. and the solution is to take your car in whenever there's a problem with it.
3. Does the piece address the counter arguments?
yes, it does.
4. Is the Op-Ed interesting?
yeah, i thought it was really interesting, because that's something that interests me too.
5. Are the paragraphs organized logically?
yes, the first paragraph explains how her car is safe and how she takes car of it then the other paragraph is hot safe is it really?
6. Does each paragraph develop an idea to support the thesis?
yes, it does develop an idea and they all support the thesis.
7. Is the writing clear?
yes, the writing is very clear. you understand the point she is trying to get at.
Editorial Rough Draft:
Closing the gate on the upper level of Eastview High School is definitely not a good idea. The administrators had thought that maybe something like this would be a little better of an idea though because of less traffic, getting to school on time and less accidents in the parking lot. It’s the exact opposite. Closing the gate on the upper level has caused more traffic, and has affected kid’s tardiness than ever before. I had never thought it was a problem in the first place because there has never been lots of traffic and no one ever seemed to have a problem with the gate being open before. The first time they tried it out, it didn’t go out right and more kids had been late the first day and none of the students thought it was a good idea. Why did they keep it going?
The upper level gate has caused a big impact in teenager’s daily driving routines. The time it takes to wait in the long line that forms and wait at the light is twice as long as it would take to just go through the gate and down to the parking lot. The traffic that builds up has been a lot worse than before, especially with the people who are trying to get to other destinations besides the school. Also to keep the lines going faster, and to cause less of a traffic build up, the right lane should be closed before school and after school because it would make less traffic. If one person is going straight the whole line behind them turning has to wait for the light. The build-up with the traffic of the gate being closed has caused more slight accidents because of people eager to pass the people waiting in the long lines. The lines have increased. Most drivers are very eager to get to their destination and don’t like waiting, especially if they are late to wherever they are going.
Pre- Writing Excercise: Editorial
1. What is a problem/issue that our entire student body (our school, community, country, etc.) faces today?
The gate being closed on the upper level of school. And how it has effected kids getting to school.
2. What is your view/position on the problem or situation?
I don't agree with them closing the gate before school because it causes more traffic then there was before, and when your already running late for school you have to wait behind the whole line of cars that is turning into the upper lot and you don't make the light and you are late, when you originally wouldn't be.
3. What would you like to achieve with your editorial? (What is the desired result?)
I would like to make a point in saying that closing the upper level gate is not a good idea, and if they would open it there would be less traffic.
4. How will you persuade your audience to adopt your viewpoint as theirs? List at least 4 persuasive points.
I will persuade them by saying:
- It will get them there earlier then it would waiting at the light.
- There will be less traffic.
- There are less tardys ( ask the teachers)
- It's not a good idea because the line is longer, and it takes more time to get around it.
5. How will you motivate your readership to action in your conclusion?
If they agree with what I have to say then they will agree with opening up the gate before school and after school. After school it takes much longer to get out then it would before.
6. How will your editorial serve a public purpose?
It will serve a public purpose because it is effecting everyone that drives to school, or even people who get dropped off.
Feature Story:
Before I thought that if you stayed in shape, and ate right you'd be in perfect shape and you couldn't get deadly sick. But, unfortunately you can. Mari Ansari, my mother, had come home one day from work exhausted and feeling like she had caught something. She decided to take off work for a week to just relax and get over whatever she had. The second week had come around and she still hadn’t gotten better yet. She thought she should check into the hospital anyways, even though she had the symptoms of Swine Flu she felt like something else just wasn’t right. She checked into the hospital on November 21st with a fever and cold. She was later sent home with Swine Flu which she had expected that after she had gotten some antibiotics she would go home and in a couple days be better. The next couple day’s things had just gotten worse. November 23rd, I had awoken to the sound of the ambulance. I didn't put two in two together, but when I had opened my bedroom door I had seen my mom put in the ambulance stretcher. The feeling in my stomach had just dropped, I looked around at my brother's and my dad and realized it wasn't a dream that this was actually happening right now. The reaction of all of them seemed the same as what mine had been. She was taken into emergency and couldn't even talk! What had gone wrong? We had just checked her into the hospital the other night and she had been told she just had Swine Flu, and a slight urinary infection. Swine flu couldn't have made her that sick. Neither could a Urinary infection. She was put into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at Fairview Ridges. Hours and hours went by, while they did tests, blood tests and x-rays. More long hours had gone on and still no answer to what she had. There's no way to explain how we were feeling. It was the most nerve racking situation I had even been in, and never want to have to go through again. They had finally finished and said that she had gotten a (bacterial infection). Then later found out, it was a type of staph infection. The thing that gets to me is that she was completely healthy and something like this out of no-where happened. She had gone through many ups and downs, she couldn’t talk, and she couldn’t read, she couldn’t write, she could barely breathe. I never knew how bad an infection could get. Many people die from staph infections, debating on how bad it gets. The infection made her whole immune system and all her organs to just break down slowly. The infection slowly eats away parts of your body and then they don’t work as well as they did before. She was moved to different rooms throughout the months at Fairview, still in ICU. She was given the breathing tube to help her breathing come more regularly. They had taken it out 4 to 5 times thinking that she would be able to breathe on her own but then we were let down when by the end of the night they would have to reoperrate and put it in. Every other 2 weeks they would switch off doctors, which I never knew, and there was one that we really liked. His name was Doctor Billman. He was very on top of things, and let us know everything new that was going on and how she was doing. He had told us that it's rare that something like this happens and someone is strong enough to get through it. After those two weeks she was given a new doctor. Doctor Billman had been there for us throughout it all though. The next month or so, she was up and eating solid foods, with the breathing tube out. We thought that she would be out of the hospital in no time. That night, she had an aneurysm. Her aneurysm had caused a rupture. She had been bleeding internally. She had lost 70% of blood, and was given a 50% chance of surviving the surgery. Luckily, she had gotten through it. Her body had clotted it herself; if it wouldn't have they wouldn't have had a way to stop it themselves. The surgeon had said that when they had cut her open they had just been shocked to see that she had clogged it by herself. It was nice hearing that. After that, they had moved her back into ICU because she still was having troubles with her breathing. So, again they had put her on the breathing tube. She had been doing well for awhile but then bad luck started in again. Her heart rate had gotten to 175. Dr Billman had become her doctor again and he was shocked that she was still in Fairview. He had called the U of M and had gotten her sent over there as fast as he could for open heart surgery. The next morning she was sent to the U of M and was put into the ICU there. We had called the whole family and let them know that she would be having heart surgery the following morning from 6 AM to 4 PM. They had told us that she would be getting her one valve replaced, because it was so bad that it was basically just hanging on barely. That morning we had all arrived there, almost at the same time. Dr Billman had been standing there waiting for us letting us know that he was there for us, not just as a doctor, but as a friend. Before the surgery they had told us that they were going to be replacing not one but three of the heart valves because almost all of them had been damaged from the infection. The surgery had gone faster than they had expected. They had replaced all three of the heart valves, and had found 6 liters of extra fluid that had been surrounding her heart. We had then found out that was what was giving her such a hard time with breathing. She was put into one of the ICU rooms at the U of M to just recover and get in good shape before anything else happened. She had been in that ICU for a couple weeks before she was sent to a regular room. She was trained to walk, read, write, and talk all over again. It's amazing to see how much a human body can handle, and how she had recovered from something that deadly.
Peer Editing Feedback:
#1 Peer Edit:
1. What are some areas that could use more detail? Why?
She could add more details in the ending and what really happened in the JFK aircrafting thing, and what really happened in it. Explain more about it so if someone who had no idea what happened with that read it they could understand what had actually happened.
2. What additional sources might the author use? Does the lead involve you in the story?
The lead could have involved me more in the story, it was really interesting and made me want to keep reading though.
3. Does the story contain a well defined scene (a detailed description of someone doing something or something happening)? What is it? If not, make a suggestion for a scene that might work.
Yes, it does a very good job describing the scene and the scene was what her and her dad used to do when he used to work and when she was younger. Described it good enough so that I knew the scene she was in more.
4. What would you like to see or hear more of? Less of? Include, any other suggestions you have for improvement.
Hear more about the JFK stuff, and maybe more of what the consequences of that was and why they had stopped allowing kids.
#2 Peer Edit:
1. What are some areas that could use more detail? Why?
Her ending could use more detail by explaining more about the things that are involved in speech.
2. What additional sources might the author use? Does the lead involve you in the story?
The lead involved me in the story, it was really catchy and the beginning was very well written.
3. Does the story contain a well defined scene (a detailed description of someone doing something or something happening)? What is it? If not, make a suggestion for a scene that might work.
The story did a very good job by describing the scene, and it was a good description. I thought it helped a lot when she had explained her interview peices.
4. What would you like to see or hear more of? Less of? Include, any other suggestions you have for improvement.
I would like to just hear more about the things that are involved in speech and all the things that they had to go through before big tournaments not just "We had so many things to go through" kinda thing.
Feature Story RoughDraft:
Before I thought that if you stayed in shape, and ate right you'd be in perfect shape and you couldn't get deadly sick. But, unfortunately you can. Mari Ansari had come home one day from work exhausted and feeling like she had caught something. She decided to take off work for a week to just relax and get over whatever she had. The second week had come around and she still hadn’t gotten better yet. She thought she should check into the hospital anyways, even though she had the symptoms of Swine Flu she felt like something else just wasn’t right. She checked into the hospital on November 21st with a fever and cold. She was later sent home with Swine Flu which she had expected that after she had gotten some antibiotics she would go home and in a couple days be better. The next couple day’s things had just gotten worse. November 23rd, I had awoken to the sound of the ambulance. I didn't put two in two together, but when I had opened my bedroom door I had seen my mom put in the ambulance stretcher. She was taken into emergency and couldn't even talk! What had gone wrong? We had just checked her into the hospital the other night and she had been told she just had Swine Flu, and a slight urinary infection. Swine flu couldn't have made her that sick. Neither could a Urinary infection. She was put into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at Fairview Ridges. Hours and hours went by, while they did tests, blood tests and x-rays. More long hours had gone on and still no answer to what she had. They had finally finished and said that she had gotten a (bacterial infection). Then later found out, it was a type of staph infection. The thing that gets to me is that she was completely healthy and something like this out of no-where happened. She had gone through many ups and downs, she couldn’t talk, and she couldn’t read, she couldn’t write, she could barely breathe. I never knew how bad an infection could get. Many people die from staph infections, debating on how bad it gets. The infection made her whole immune system and all her organs to just break down slowly. The infection slowly eats away parts of your body and then they don’t work as well as they did before. She was moved to different rooms throughout the months at Fairview, still in ICU. She was given the breathing tube to help her breathing come more regularly. They had taken it out 4 to 5 times thinking that she would be able to breathe on her own but then we were let down when by the end of the night they would have to reoperrate and put it in. Every other 2 weeks they would switch off doctors, which I never knew, and there was one that we really liked. His name was Doctor Billman. He was very on top of things, and let us know everything new that was going on and how she was doing. He had told us that it's rare that something like this happens and someone is strong enough to get through it. After those two weeks she was given a new doctor. Doctor Billman had been there for us throughout it all though. The next month or so, she was up and eating solid foods, with the breathing tube out. We thought that she would be out of the hospital in no time. That night, she had an aneurysm. Her aneurysm had caused a rupture. She had been bleeding internally. She had lost 70% of blood, and was given a 50% chance of surviving the surgery. Luckily, she had gotten through it. Her body had clotted it herself; if it wouldn't have they wouldn't have had a way to stop it themselves. The surgeon had said that when they had cut her open they had just been shocked to see that she had clogged it by herself. It was nice hearing that. After that, they had moved her back into ICU because she still was having troubles with her breathing. So, again they had put her on the breathing tube. She had been doing well for awhile but then bad luck started in again. Her heart rate had gotten to 175. Dr Billman had become her doctor again and he was shocked that she was still in Fairview. He had called the U of M and had gotten her sent over there as fast as he could for open heart surgery. The next morning she was sent to the U of M and was put into the ICU there. We had called the whole family and let them know that she would be having heart surgery the following morning from 6 AM to 4 PM. They had told us that she would be getting her one valve replaced, because it was so bad that it was basically just hanging on barely. That morning we had all arrived there, almost at the same time. Dr Billman had been standing there waiting for us letting us know that he was there for us, not just as a doctor, but as a friend. Before the surgery they had told us that they were going to be replacing not one but three of the heart valves because almost all of them had been damaged from the infection. The surgery had gone faster than they had expected. They had replaced all three of the heart valves, and had found 6 liters of extra fluid that had been surrounding her heart. We had then found out that was what was giving her such a hard time with breathing. She was put into one of the ICU rooms at the U of M to just recover and get in good shape before anything else happened. She had been in that ICU for a couple weeks before she was sent to a regular room. She was trained to walk, read, write, and talk all over again. It's amazing to see how much a human body can handle, and how she had recovered from something that deadly.
Topic for feature story:
Topic: Mom being in the hospital.
Interviews:
Doctors
Family
There are no interviews in the story, just conversations that have happened in the past. And what the doctors and all of them had said about it.
Hard Newstory:
Teenagers who text behind the wheel are putting lives at risk? Many people think that teenagers are the main target who text while driving though many adults and older adults’ text while driving. Why do you think they do it? “I do it because I'm addicted to texting. It is hard not to do though because I'm so used to texting all the time and always want to do it”, says Erin Geyen, Junior at Eastview High School.” Many others say the same thing. How dangerous is driving while texting? According to Harvard Study 2,600 traffic deaths are caused each year by drivers using cell phones or texting, and 21% of those related deaths are from teens that are driving while texting. You don’t have your eyes on the road at all times because when you’re texting, you’re looking down more than you’re looking at the road. Wouldn’t you think that with the new law DTW (Driving While Texting) that less car accidents would occur? Junior, Averi Haugesag, says “Not really, I don’t think teenagers really care what the law says. If they want to do it they will do it.” Maybe some views will change after hearing how much it really does affect how you drive.
Many people do not see texting while driving to be dangerous until they experience it themselves. 48% of teenagers have been in the car with someone when they have been texting and driving, but no one seems to stop it. Others may think that it’s okay to do because everyone else does it. No one used to text while driving however now all of a sudden it’s a big thing. Why do you think that is? I asked Erin Geyen and she stated that she was “because texting has gotten so popular, everyone texts; even parents and teachers. Everyone has realized that it’s such an easy and fast way to communicate. But, I do think texting while driving can wait till later and if it’s that important pull over to the side and text back.” Many people think this, but believe that it will be okay and won’t happen to them.
As you can see, many people agree with the fact that driving and texting is not safe, but still do it because it is just not easy to stop. “I agree with the new DWT law because it’s true that driving while texting isn’t safe to do and many accidents are caused from people doing it”, says Katie Sonnenburg. Getting in an accident is not the only harm texting while driving can do. You can put others at risk too. There have been other related accidents that have happened, such as pedestrians getting run over due to someone being on their phone or having other distractions while driving. Even lane changing and speed changes can be deadly. A lot of people think that driving while texting is just as bad as drunk driving. “I would consider texting while driving just as bad as drunk driving because either way they both make you distracted and you have no clue on what is going on around you and you’re not expecting to get into an accident”, says Katie Sonnenburg. It is unrealistic that texting while driving has ruined that many people’s lives when something like that can definitely be prevented from happening. Many police officers have reported that 515,000 injuries and 5,870 fatalities have happened in the US from just texting while driving. After learning all of this information and the new DWT law comes out there will hopefully be less accidents occurring throughout the United States.
Interviews
Teenagers texting behind the wheel, putting lives at risk? Many people think that teenagers are the main target who text while driving when there are many others. Many adults and older adults text while driving. Why do you think they do it? “I do it because I'm addicted to texting. It is hard not to do though because I'm so used to texting all the time and always want to do it”, says Erin Geyen, Junior at Eastview High School.” Many others say the same thing. How dangerous is driving while texting? According to a Harvard Study 2,600 traffic deaths are caused each year by drivers using cell phones or texting and 21% of those related deaths are from teens who are driving while texting. Using your phone or texting while driving is a very dangerous thing. You don’t have your eyes on the road at all times and when you’re texting you’re looking down more than your looking at the road. Wouldn’t you think that with the new law DTW (Driving While Texting) that less car accidents would occur? Junior, Averi Haugesag says “Not really, I don’t think teenagers really care what the law says. If they want to do it they will do it.” Maybe some views will change after hearing how much it really does affect how you drive. Texting while driving doesn’t seem that dangerous and many people don’t think it is until they experience it. 48% of teenagers have been in the car with someone when they have been texting while driving. But no one seems to stop it. And others maybe think that it’s okay to do because everyone else does it. No one used to text while driving and now all of a sudden it’s a big thing. Why do you think that is? I asked Erin Geyen, “Because texting has gotten so popular. Everyone texts even parents and teachers. Everyones realized its such an easy and fast way to communicate. But, I do think texting while driving can wait till later and if it’s that important pull over to the side and text back.” Many people think this, but think that it will be okay and it won’t happen to them. As you can see, many people agree with the fact that driving and texting is not safe but still do it because it’s just not easy to stop doing. “I agree with the new DWT law because it’s true that driving while texting isn’t safe to do and many accidents are caused from people doing it”, says Katie Sonnenburg. Getting in an accident isn’t the only harm texting while driving can do. You can put others at risk too. There has been other related accidents that have happened when pedestrians get run over from someone either being on their phone or other distractions while driving. Even lane changing and speed changes. A lot of people think that driving while texting is just as bad as drunk driving. “I would consider texting while driving just as bad as drunk driving because either way they both make you distracted and you have no clue on what is going on around you and you’re not expecting to get into an accident”, says Katie Sonnenburg. It is unrealistic that texting while driving has ruined that many peoples lives when something like that can definitely be prevented from happening. Many police officers have seen that 515,000 injuries and 5,870 fatalities has happened in the US from just texting while driving. After finding out all this information and the new DWT law comes out there will hopefully be less accidents occurring.
Interviews:
Erin Geyen:
1. Do you think texting is as bad as people make it seem?
- Yes, I do because it's so distracting and your not concentrating enough on driving as you should be.
2. Do you think driving and texting is as bad as drunk driving?
- Yes, I do becaue yourso distracted by your phones looking constantly at it and not paying enough attention to the road because your paying too much attention to your phone.
3. Do you feel that texting is important while driving? Why?
- I think texting could definitely wait till later. If that text is that important the person should stop somewhere and text.
4. Why do you do it? Is it hard not to do?
- I do it because i'm addicted to texting. It is hard not to do though because i'm so used to texting all the time and always want to do it.
5. Why do you think texting while driving is so popular all of a sudden? No one used to do it.
- Because textings gotten so popular. Everyone texts even parents and teachers. Everyones realized its such an easy and fast way to communicate.
Katie Sonnenburg:
1. Do you text while driving?
- At stop signs or traffic lights.
2. Has texting caused you or anyone an accident?
- Nope.
3. Have you ever gotten a ticket for DWT?
- Nope.
4. Do you think its hard to text while driving?
- Yes, because you have to keep looking up at the road.
5. Do you agree with the law of DWT?
- Yes, I do because it is your choice what you choose to do.
Averi Haugesag:
1. Do you text while driving?
- Yes, sometimes.
2. Has it affected how you drive? How?
- No, I have never had a problem with it. i dont do it often and i have gotten good at texting without even looking at my phone. i suppose its not very safe though.
3. Do you agree with the DWT law?
- yes, i dont think its a safe thing to do. yes, im being a hypocrite.
4. Do you think the new law has helped the cause of more accident from occurring?
- not really. I dont think teenagers really care what the law says. if they want to text and drive, they will.
5. Have you ever gotten a ticket for driving while texting?
- Nope.
Interviews:
Interview 1:-Do you text while driving?
-Has it affected how you drive?
-Has texting ever caused you an accident?
-Almost?
-Do you get nervous when your texting and driving?
-Have you ever gotten caught?
-Do you think the new law (DWT) has helped the cause of more accidents from occuring?
Interview 2:-Do you text while driving?
-Has texting ever caused you an accident?
Or anyone you know an accident?
-Have you ever gotten a ticket for (DWT)?
-Is it hard to do?
-Do you disagree with the law of (DWT)?
Interview 3:-Do you think texting is as bad as people make it seem?
-Do you think driving and texting is as bad as drunk driving?
-Do you think texting is important while driving? Why?
-Have you ever been in an uncomfortable position when your not the driver but the driver is texting while driving?
But not uncomfortable when your driving?
News story topic
Topic:
Texting and driving.
Angle:
Who does it?
Who actually follows the no texting law?
How many times has that caused people an accident or almost caused an accident?
Why did it become so big all of a sudden?
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/driving-distractions-dangers-car-electronics?gclid=CIHC8uafmKACFRMNDQodAyNkeQ
